| 1 |
It is rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock |
| 2 |
You couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. |
| 3 |
The Dead Sea wasn't even on the critical list when he was born. |
| 4 |
He's living on borrowed time and three payments are past due. |
| 5 |
I'm old and ugly, but I can still pull up to the table three times a day. |
| 6 |
Mad as a mule chewin' bumblebees. |
| 7 |
That just fries my tater! |
| 8 |
He'll squeeze a dollar till the eagle screams. |
| 9 |
She has short arms and deep pockets. |
| 10 |
I think the butter's slipped off her biscuit. |
| 11 |
Someone blew out his pilot light |
| 12 |
They live so far out in the country that the sun sets between their house and town. |
| 13 |
He's all vines, and no taters. |
| 14 |
That's about as easy as nailin' Jell-O to the wall. |
| 15 |
If dumb was dirt, he'd cover about an acre. |
| 16 |
If all her brains were dynamite, she couldn't blow her nose. |
| 17 |
He is about as sharp as a wet Cheeto. |
| 18 |
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea. |
| 19 |
He's overdrawn at the memory bank. |
| 20 |
So country he thinks a seven-course meal is possum and a six-pack. |
| 21 |
We've howdied but we ain't shook. |
| 22 |
You are as welcome as an outhouse breeze. |
| 23 |
Fine as a frog hair split four ways. |
| 24 |
That feller ain't nothin' but an appetite with skin drawn over it. |
| 25 |
My stomach's full, but my mouth ain't satisfied! |
| 26 |
He don't care what you call him as long as you call him to supper. |
| 27 |
Two pounds of manure won't fit in a one-pound sack. |
| 28 |
Can't get blood out of a turnip. |
| 29 |
Can't put a duck egg in an eagle's nest and get an eagle. |
| 30 |
Can't pole vault with a pitchfork. |
| 31 |
That's like tryin' to sneak sunup past a rooster! |
| 32 |
He's like a blister--he doesn't show up till the work's all done. |
| 33 |
He wasn't born, just squeezed out of bartender's rag. |
| 34 |
He'll never drown in his own sweat. |
| 35 |
He disappeared like a belch in a wind storm. |
| 36 |
He'll take up with any hound that'll hunt. |
| 37 |
That girl is just naturally horizontal. |
| 38 |
They're hitched but not churched. |
| 39 |
They ate supper before they said grace. |
| 40 |
They planted their crop before they built their fence. |
| 41 |
Now that he's sowed his wild oats, he's hopin' for crop failure! |
| 42 |
They shut the barn door after the horse got out. |
| 43 |
Even a blind hog can find an acorn once in a while. |
| 44 |
Every turkey has his Thanksgiving. |
| 45 |
Hold a blow torch to the bear's ass. |
| 46 |
If fat birds were sellin' for 10 cents a pound, I couldn't buy a hummingbird. |
| 47 |
If it costs a dollar to go around the world, I couldn't get out of sight. |
| 48 |
Money is as scarce as hen's teeth. |
| 49 |
Too poor to paint, too proud to whitewash. |
| 50 |
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow. |
| 51 |
The man who rows the boat has little time to rock it. |
| 52 |
Don't dig up more snakes than you can kill. |
| 53 |
Don't squat with yer spurs on. |
| 54 |
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. |
| 55 |
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. |
| 56 |
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. |
| 57 |
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. |
| 58 |
Always drink upstream from the herd. |
| 59 |
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. |
| 60 |
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. |
| 61 |
Never miss a good chance to shut up. |
| 62 |
Don’t make love by the garden gate because even if love is blind, the neighbors ain’t. |
| 63 |
A closed mouth gathers no foot. |
| 64 |
You don’t have to explain what you don’t say. |
| 65 |
When foxes pack the jury box, the chicken's always guilty! |
| 66 |
If you shake his hand, count your fingers. |
| 67 |
So nervous she has to thread her sewing machine while it's running. |
| 68 |
Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rockin' chairs. |
| 69 |
Nervous as a whore in church. |
| 70 |
He'd worry the warts off a frog. |
| 71 |
Scared as a cat at the dog pound. |
| 72 |
I've seen a cow cut worse than this get well. |
| 73 |
I want my steak so rare that the brand is still smoking. |
| 74 |
That steak's so rare, a good vet could save it. |
| 75 |
Big as all Hell and half of Texas. |
| 76 |
So big he has to sit down in shifts. |
| 77 |
So big that when she halls ass, she has to make two trips. |
| 78 |
She speaks ten words a second with gusts up to fifty. |
| 79 |
He's got a ten-gallon mouth. |
| 80 |
Noisy as two skeletons dancing on a tin roof. |
| 81 |
She makes a hornet look cuddly. |
| 82 |
She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road. |
| 83 |
He's so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes. |
| 84 |
So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye. |
| 85 |
He looks like the cheese fell off his cracker. |
| 86 |
When he was a baby his mother fed him with a slingshot. |
| 87 |
His mother had to borrow a baby to take to church. |
| 88 |
He's like a fart in a fryin' pan...you never know what he's gonna do next. |
| 89 |
Riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels. |
| 90 |
It is so dusty the rabbits are digging holes six feet in the air. |
| 91 |
The wind's blowing like perfume through a prom. |
| 92 |
It's hot as the hinges of hell. |
| 93 |
Hotter than a stolen tamale. |
| 94 |
Hotter than a preacher's knee. |
| 95 |
So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs. |
| 96 |
So hot the trees are bribin' the dogs. |
| 97 |
Hotter than the Devil's ass. |
| 98 |
Hotter than a honeymoon suite. |
| 99 |
Colder than my ex-wife's heart. |
| 100 |
It's so dry here, the fish are knocking on the door, askin' for a drink of water. |
| 101 |
Just dust the horns off, slap it on the ass, and put'er on my plate. |
| 102 |
This ain't my first rodeo, by God. |
| 103 |
Its hotter than a goats ass in a pepper patch. |
| 104 |
He's drunker than a waltzin' piss ant. |
| 105 |
She looks like ten pounds of shit in a five pound sack. |
| 106 |
He's meaner than a dog shittin' tacks. |
| 107 |
My wife is meaner than a sun-burnt rattle snake. |
| 108 |
I hate to see that cowgirl go but I love to watch here leave. |
| 109 |
I can be there quicker than a cat can lick it's ass! |
| 110 |
Get 'r done |
| 111 |
Busy as a bee in a tar bucket. |
| 112 |
He's a whole lotta' hat and not much cattle. |
| 113 |
Texan code of honor: Get on'er and stay on'er. |
| 114 |
It's quieter than a mouse pissin' on a cotton ball.
|
| 115 |
Tell it to me walkin'. |
| 116 |
Hotter than duck piss |
| 117 |
Sweatin' like a whore in church |
| 118 |
Darlin', you're just purtier than a speckled pup sittin' under a red wagon! |
| 119 |
You know what they say about southern women? The higher her hairdo, the lower her expectations. |
| 120 |
Its hotter'n two rats doin it in a wool sock |
| 121 |
It's hotter'n two foxes *f___n'* in a forest fire! |
| 122 |
Busier than a stump-tailed bull in fly season! |
| 123 |
Faster than a frog can lick flies! |
| 124 |
He's slicker than owl shit. |
| 125 |
If you dabble in shit, you're gonna get some on you. |
| 126 |
You can't plow a straight furrow lookin' over your shoulder. |
| 127 |
Dumber 'an a toad sittin' on a bull frog. |
| 128 |
Hotter than a fourballed tomcat. |
| 129 |
That's as f'ed up as a football bat |
| 130 |
It was so quiet you could hear a mouse pissing on a peice of cotton in a 40 acre field |
| 131 |
For all you yankees that visit our wonderful country... The cop that stopped you 30 minutes back for driving like a dumbass, his name is SIR, no matter how young he looks
|
| 132 |
It's colder than a cast iron toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg! |
| 133 |
You're as worthless as hen shit on a pump handle! |
| 134 |
That boys dirtier than tank water |
| 135 |
Storm's a brewin' out yonder - Looks like a real turd floater headed our way. |
| 136 |
Busier'n a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest. |
| 137 |
She so ulgy she could scare a bulldog off a meat wagon. |
| 138 |
your breathe is stankin' it's like a buzzard fallin off a shit wagon! |
| 139 |
She could eat corn on the cob through a pickett fence. |
| 140 |
She is so skinny you couldn't hit her with a hand full of shell corn. |
| 141 |
Smilin' like a dog eat'n shit. |
| 142 |
hungier than a peckerwood in a steelmill |
| 143 |
I'll be all over you like stink on shit |
| 144 |
'bout as useless as tits on a boar hog |
| 145 |
He's just a waste of air |
| 146 |
Wetter than a car full of fat chicks going to see a Rickey Martin concert |
| 147 |
Hotter than frog on a hot plate. |
| 148 |
She drives like a monkey on a lawn mower |
| 149 |
Hotter than a dog's ass |
| 150 |
Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra
|
| 151 |
Colder than a well diggers ass |
| 152 |
So ugly yer Mama had to tie a pork chop around yer neck ta get the dog to play with ya! |
| 153 |
She fell outta the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down! |
| 154 |
He was madder than a cow with a frog on his ass during a tornado in the middle of July |
| 155 |
I'm more f'ed up than a poor man's checkbook |
| 156 |
Like a calf looking at a new gate. |